i went to a really great class about meditating from your heart chakra at a buddhist temple today.
first off let me say my experience in south east asia was beautiful, but also eye-opening to the similarities to the problems and idiosyncrasies of the organized religion i grew up immersed in.
not that this needs a precursor, or that i am angry or not open and respectful of belief systems, but let’s just say, a girl’s got beef.
i was deeply hurt in my teens by some reactions to religious experiences that i shared with people i trusted, and i am thrilled that my parents somehow still managed to stay awesome. i practically lived at my church, let me tell you. i thank “God” for how that wound has made me open and fluid and changing to everything that comes my way.
i don’t quite get the aspirational element of heaven or reaching enlightenment, but i am happy to use the tools i’ve been bestowed to make the journey of life seem more meaningful from my own perspective. these things have helped me grasp the concepts of faith and hope and that, i am truly grateful for. i could never hope to “know”. i was so happy to take philosophy courses in college and just have more unanswered questions. “knowing” is arrogant and boring!
but i know the metaphysical realm and epistemology aren’t easy to finagle your way out of. i’ve made some dumb ass decisions in my life, knowing full well the consequences of my actions. knowing the moral structures that were there to protect me. remembering that dark, grimey, guilty feeling you lay hard upon your own shoulders when you know you are touching the ebbs of evil. i wanted to feel. and still do. to live and make mistakes. breaking and growing.
i have always led from the heart i realized. everything that has mattered - i’ve done it from that core part of you that aches to be good. to be truly passionate and good. that makes me happy.
enemies are the hard part. i don’t even like that the word enemy exists. but it does. and i know of people that dislike me for whatever reason and i try to shift my focus elsewhere. all i have is my own mind and i am nourishing myself before i can take care of others.
i can’t believe i’m actually in a steady, happy, committed relationship. for the first time in my life. it’s definitely a foreign experience, but i know much of love. and also deep pain. and i am happy i have had that pain to lead me to a place of understanding.
i am recharging and caring for my body. resting my mind and my emotions. not out of selfishness, but so that i can continue to support the people that i love.
whatever path i’m on is exhausting. my life-long drive has burnt me out and i crave the solice and beauty and nature of the woods back home. but this is what is happening now. and that is what matters currently. i will be engaged and make the present expand beyond the reaches of my mind to my heart. and my heart will be happy.
i’m spreading myself too thin and i’ve lost my health. my boyfriend isn’t even supportive because i missed out on a great opportunity but i felt to busy, overwhelmed and tired to even make a quick decision. i have financial obligations that some people don’t want to understand because they refuse to pay their bills or participate in the system. i miss my dog. i miss my freedom. i don’t know what to do next.