I have been thinking a lot about ego as a tool lately. Is the most basal and readily accessible thing we have. It helps guide us through the physical world, establishing our identity. Ego sounds like a dirty word, like logic; but I guess they are all tools.
It is easy to undervalue the tools that we don’t have within arms reach. Within our wheelhouse. Equanimity, patience, intuition, kindness, magnanimity, empathy, presence, etc - will all of this combined bring me peace?
Why do I wake up in the morning? Why do I keep going? What kind of stupid quest is this to seek purpose when there is no meaning? I know that I have no control. I barely have a handle on my own mind and body. Do you just go crazier as you get older? Am I supposed to pass on my genes like some animal and pretend I’m not going to die alone?
We ask so much of our projections on one another. “Fulfill me.” “Make me whole.”
This sounds familiar. Sounds like “God”. Not that I’m preaching here (trust) but just as we are supposed to be made in his image, we project our attributes onto others who in turn mirror back what we most need for ourselves in terms of personal improvement. Striving to be godlike. But having this knowledge of good and evil is apparently man’s downfall. Pretty sure free will makes this shit interesting.
Unconscious growth at another’s expense. Do we just consume each others souls? Is that’s what’s going on?
It makes me want to be a much better listener, because right now I’m thinking all that’s really out there for me is some endless black abyss that I may already be falling through.
I have a really hard time understanding why you would want to bring children into the world other than for selfish reasons. I guess “giving life” and acts of creation are supposed to be some miraculous gift, but from where I’m sitting I just would want to keep those forces in another realm where they are likely in a more peaceful state than this chaos. Then that makes me feel like I’m weak and not meant to carry these genes further and I feel like rebelling.
I’m getting lost in some weird stream of consciousness.
When I was younger I was completely enthralled by mystics and ascetics. Who would live off the land for the sole sake of a spiritual journey or who would anchor themselves within a building and fast and pray for mankind or self flagellate as penance. Absolutely fascinated. Our minds are capable of convincing us of so many things. Solipsism, under the radar, at its finest.
Until I find some peace, I will consume my substances and regrow all of the limbs that were torn from me. Slowly. One by one. I don’t believe they were torn for the intention of destroying, but I allowed myself to be consumed by it.
Ego can go hang outside for awhile. There’s no need for identity when we are all made up of carbon and magic. Let go of the things you don’t need anymore.
This should be titled TRIPPIN BALLS. Sobriety is kinda weird.