I realize that I treat Tumblr like it’s a private journal that I fill with melodrama as a way to process. I am okay with this…ish. 😳
This has been one of the most off weeks I’ve had in awhile. Physically I am more aware and extremely tender and sensitive. I think something with my nerves is off. I could feel this really intense negative energy very recently coming from a coworker in London that I hardly speak to or interact with. I knew it was him and then others started speaking up.
If I am off balance, I can be a total major insane empath, and be it relativity…first law of thermodynamics, whatever - I took hold of that energy. The insomnia is out of control and I feel fuzzy tingles in my upper thighs where stress is just building a reservoir. I’ve never experienced anything like this. That’s not where it’s supposed to sit.
This weekend acupuncture was beyond insane and I just went to reflexology tonight and while there I kept thinking that I might be dying from all the toxins I felt releasing. Like I have cancer or nerve damage, but obviously this nutso shit has to be in my head.
Call it an LA lifestyle; living here can drive you to extremes. Desperately trying to survive the ego-centric landscape and escape the rat race and get back to nature where you came from. I had years of panic attacks just trying to adjust. Why did I chose this?
I am so into body work and now mental health because the only thing I am is spiritually fulfilled. That is the one thing that sits right with me. I am open and curious and set my intention daily. Mental, physical and emotional well being don’t seem as far as they used to.
This sleep deprived, I can’t be a good mentor at work, I can’t focus on multiple projects at once and I can’t fail at this level. If I let the bottom fall out I would shock myself. Maybe the bottom needs to fall out.
Okay - my last negative expression is just this mass confusion, dead brain cells and anger at myself for not emotionally being able to handle all the shit life is throwing at me. I don’t want to lead and be an example right now. I don’t want to be responsible. I don’t want to deal with pain.
I’m tired of working through this. I just want to be better. To rest in the love that I know that I have for myself and handle my shit. Maybe I’ll try not to let perfectionism ruin the beautiful mess.